After a year of denial, sadness, fear, frustration and almost every other emotion imaginable I’m ready to share my story. On October 26, 2012 I was raped. It has taken me a year be able to call it that, but that’s what it was. Rape… he raped me.
It starts like any other night at Middlebury, drinking with friends in their block… he walks in gives me a hug (per usual) and says hi. His focus remains on me for most of the night, I can’t deny that I loved the attention; he’s handsome, wealthy, and sure I had a crush on him. A few hours later we’re leaving the party together to find another party in Hepburn (again I think nothing of it…we were friends right, he was nice… right?) We’re riding down on the elevator, he kisses me and yes I kiss him back. Its begins to intensify, the doors open and I’m relieved honestly, I was ready to be around other people, unsure about how I felt about him kissing me. But then he grabs my hand and we stay on the elevator, going back to the third floor- why I didn’t know. He says there’s something he wants to talk to me about and that we should go to my room. I naively follow him. We get to my room and he kisses me again, and won’t stop. I finally get a minute to breathe and try to make up an excuse to leave my room. He’s not buying it. I say that I’m tired and want to sleep- he’s still not buying it. He kisses me again. His hands exploring my body and I don’t want to make a huge scene so I just let him. He tells me he wants to “fuck me so badly” I tell him “no, that’s not going to happen tonight” he continues to explore my body with his hands, every few minutes asking again if we could have sex. I continue to deny his generous offer. He gets more rough and intense, insisting that he wants to fuck me “more than anything.” I’m getting nervous but again- we’re friends right? He’s a good guy shouldn’t I be able to trust him to not hurt me? I continue to deny his offer. At this point I’ve said no seven times. Then he just goes for it, invading me. I push him off and say, “I told you I wasn’t going to do that” he says sorry he just “got caught up in the moment” I try to make that the end of this whole ordeal, but of course he wasn’t done yet. I’m exhausted and tired of this experience. But he’s stronger than I am, and he’s on top of me. He tries to put it in me again and this time- I give in. It lasts for what seems like a lifetime, I just lie there motionless, letting him own me.
For so long I blamed myself- said I must have wanted it since I gave in to him. I still have days that I feel like that. Almost every other day to be perfectly honest. How could I be so stupid to let that happen? How could I be so weak? Why did I? All questions I still don’t have the answer to. All questions I probably never will. But for the first time in this whirlwind of a year I can use to the word rape. I was raped, he raped me. I doubt that he is here to hear those words, nor would his ego allow him to think I didn’t want it. The grotesque amount of pretention running through the walls of this place is disgusting- these aren’t bad guys- they aren’t rapists by the Law and Order SVU standards. They are pretentious douche bags that cant for five seconds believe that something isn’t going to go their way that someone could ACTUALLY say no to them. I just wish I could have continued to say no… but shouldn’t once be enough?
Author: Anonymous Middlebury College Student