From the moment I met John, his charm and good looks had me hooked. I was a new freshman on campus and he was the cool sophomore. The first night we hooked up was great; we ran into each other at a party, began dancing and kissing, and went on a walk instead of going back to his room. But then things took a drastic turn for the worse. He started telling me what Facebook pictures to take down because they were “unflattering,” and that he could “tell that I had gained a lot of weight.” He asked questions like, “How did you even get into Middlebury; there’s nothing special about you.” In public whenever I walked by him he would slap my butt like I was a piece of meat (even when he was with his friends) and laugh, even when I distinctly told him that that is demeaning and I don’t want him to. As a freshman struggling with low self-esteem and well on her way to the freshman 15, his comments hit me hard. Yet for some reason I continued to go to his room. I made it very clear that I was a virgin and wanted to wait until marriage, and John would laugh and nod. One night in his room after hooking up (without having sex) I tried to get out of his bed to put my clothes on, but he rolled on top of me and put his penis against my vagina saying, “Don’t you trust me? Don’t you trust me?” I tried to writhe free saying that “You know I don’t want to have sex” and he laughed at my attempts to move my hips out from under him as he pressed more of his weight against me. Apparently my clear distress was humorous to him. He did not force his penis into my vagina, but kept it pressed against me, not allowing my writhing hips to break free. The terror I felt at the possibility of losing my virginity, and vulnerability I felt at not being able to move overwhelmed me. Finally, he let me go, continuing to laugh as I got dressed and left his room. I am lucky he did not move that extra inch, and still wonder as to why I let the situation get that far in the first place. Now I know that at the first sign of manipulation or control, I will leave the situation, and never let myself engage with people like John.

​Author: Anonymous Middlebury College Student

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