It’s confusing for me to choose a label for my experience.

 

Was it rape? Borderline rape? Sexual harassment? Sexual assault?

 

I’m still confused.

 

Nonetheless, it was nearly two years ago when you raped, borderline raped, sexually harassed or sexually assaulted me.

 

I remember it in bits and pieces.

 

“I don’t want to today.”

 

“That’s fine, we don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.”

 

I remember feeling suffocated by all 165 pounds of you, on me, around me, in me.

 

I remember closing my eyes and saying “no” over and over and over again until the words became nothing but background music, a soundtrack to my never ending nightmare.

 

I remember shaking as you kissed my cheek, wet and salty from crying.

I remember wincing as you looked into my red eyes and said, “I love you”, before leaving.

 

I remember the conversation after.

 

“That wasn’t consensual.”

 

“Your problem for teasing. Keep your clothes on next time if you really feel that way.”

 

“I said I didn’t want to at all.”

 

“That’s bullshit. How can you accuse your boyfriend of three years of sexually assaulting you? Besides I knew you wanted it, you were asking for it.”

 

Consent is a basic human right, but nothing about rape, borderline rape, sexual harassment, or sexual assault is simple, it’s confusing.

 

We live in a world where it’s taboo to be assaulted by your partner. A place where saying “no”, can be perversely interpreted as “yes”.

 

Only in such a distorted world can hearing, “I love you”, sound like “I hate you.”