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One weekend night I got in a fight with my boyfriend. He wanted to hang out, and I wanted to hang out with a friend I hadn’t seen in quite a while, but he didn’t want to hang out with her and her friends. So I went alone and he was pissed, sending me angry texts. At this party I only really knew my friend so I was a little uncomfortable and drinking a little more than I should have been. I was also upset about the fight with my boyfriend but trying to have fun anyway. The people at the party consisted of my friend, several girls, several gay guys and one straight guy that only knew my friend also. I was mostly hanging out with the girls and the gay guys because I found them easy to talk to and fun. The straight guy kept talking to me and asked who I was texting and I said my boyfriend but he didn’t stop trying to flirt with me. At some point we all took shots and I realized I had had too much to drink so I announced I was heading to bed. The straight guy tried to make out with me but I pushed him off and my friend directed me to a room with a king-size bed where one girl was already totally passed out. I was so tired and drunk I got in bed fully clothed, jeans with my cell phone in the pocket and shirt, bra, etc, although I did remember to take my shoes off. As I started to fall asleep, feeling the sickening whirl of drunkenness, I felt someone else getting in the bed behind me. In my drunken haze I felt someone undoing my pants and I pushed their hands away murmuring “no.” He continued and I rolled over to face him and try to push him away which unfortunately gave him easier access to his target. He yanked my pants and underwear down as I tried to resist, but I was so close to passing out I could barely move. He shoved his penis in my vagina and started thrusting. I rolled away while pulling my pants up, the only movement I could muster. He pulled them down again and with more force than before shoved his penis in me and started raping me anally. The pain jerked me into a slightly more conscious state and I rolled again pulling my pants up. All I could think was to make it stop in the moment, to try to get my pants back on. So when he was raping me from the front I rolled away but then he began raping me from the back, and vice versa. His arms around me prevented me from rolling off the bed. This continued for an eternity, he raped me both ways until he suddenly left and I immediately lost consciousness. I was not aware enough to know if he used protection. I woke up extremely hung over and bleeding. As I groggily tried to assess the situation I found out that he stole my cell phone. Now I understand the phrase adding insult to injury. The other girl was still asleep next to me. Did she know what had happened? Would she tell everyone that I had sex with that guy and cheated on my boyfriend? Who the fuck was that guy? Why did I get so drunk? How could this have happened? I was panicking and had no one to turn to. I couldn’t report it, I didn’t know his name and couldn’t inquire without raising suspicion plus I was so afraid the police could get me in trouble for underage drinking and I didn’t even know where the nearest hospital was and I would have to tell the whole story when I just want to die of shame to erase my life without anyone knowing this was a part of it oh my god how could this happen?! I just locked it all inside myself and never told anyone. Now every year the anniversary of my rape passes and I tell myself that I’m strong and that I’m fine and that it doesn’t affect me. I think about it almost every day.

And that’s the story of how I lost my virginity.

​Author: Anonymous Middlebury College Student

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