you’re a nice guy

 

and it happened like this. 

you gave me a beer and told me to sit closer

so i did

i was testing out this new thing,

this thing where people found me attractive

i thought i liked it

you put your arm around me

we kissed

you laid me down on your bed

and i had just enough confidence to say

i'm a virgin. i'm seventeen, 

i don't want to have sex.

and you said okay.

and we kissed, and your hands wandered

down down down

and i said no.

you said don't you trust me

and i was timid and shy and this was new

and i'd never been good at saying no,

especially not a second time.

but we live in a world where no doesn't mean no

until you say it again and again 

and that's if you're lucky.

so it happened.

i did what you told me to.

i bled on your sheets.

after, you slung your arm around my shoulder

and walked me back to my room,

because that's what being a gentleman is. 

you asked me if i was okay.

i said yes, because you were nice

and i hadn't said no enough times,

so i guess i must have wanted it. 

i told myself i'd wanted it

when i showered until my fingers were prunes

i told myself i'd wanted it

when i cried myself to sleep

i told myself i wanted it

when i told my friends i’d wanted it,

and then let it happen again,

and again, just to prove to myself

that i wanted it. 

nevermind that i cried myself to sleep.

nevermind that i couldn't look you in the eye.

that three years later, i still can't look you in the eye.

that three years later, i stand in the shower and sometimes i can't breathe

because i didn't say no enough times,

and you're a nice guy,which means i must have wanted it.